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Talbot county is making changes to its zoning ordinance. They are re-writing chapter 190 of the county code. They’ve even given it a zippy new name, “nextstep190.” wow! This certainly sounds progressive and is not something you’d be against. I mean, who’d be in favor of “stepback190?” like most changes to the code, this seeks to limit businesses and property rights while expanding the role of government.

The county has relied heavily on “consultants” to draft the new code. Consultants are usually “experts” who have been laid off from their old jobs in government and have realized that the real money to be made is in selling to governments rather than actually, you know, implementing government policies.

Charley eckman, the former broadcaster, said that “experts” were “guys from out of town.” they must know what they’re doing; look at easton’s excellent traffic patterns, designed by consultants.I’ll need

This does, however, present an opportunity for me. Homeowners on lots under one acre are limited to six chickens which may not be “free range.” the consultants are worried about noise and odor. Actually, it’s people who have moved here from bethesda who are concerned about noise and odor and this should more appropriately be named the “rat out your neighbor” ordinance. There are, of course, no provisions for enforcement of these limits. This is where I come in. I can count to six on most days. I’ll need an assistant since I won’t be able to hold a clipboard (necessary for any government official) while I use my fingers to count. We’ll also need a four-wheel drive vehicle to reach out-of-the-way scofflaw chicken farmers. And an office and staff to handle the paperwork.Noise odor

For the noise issues, I’ll need specialized eavesdropping equipment, assuming the crafty chicken felons will try to muffle the clucking of their hens. This should not depend on court orders since that would take too long. Odor issues can be handled by any dog; if they find something to roll in, then it probably stinks to high heaven. This will require a specialized trainer, and, at least six dogs. A couple of drones would be useful also. I figure my budget should be around $6 million, and I’ll want a “maintenance of effort” clause written into the contract so that it can only go up.

Recently a goose hunter was knocked unconscious by a dead goose which fell on him after being shot. The goose fell from approximately 90 feet and the hunter had to be rushed to the university of maryland medical center’s shock trauma center in baltimore, where he is reported to be in “stable” condition.I’ll need

The canada goose is, of course, an illegal alien to our skies. Many have children here which are known as “gosmers,” and who are seeking legal status. Geese add considerably to the noise and odor of the area and are known polluters of the chesapeake bay.

It is not known what provoked the attack on the hunter but it has been speculated that this is just the first wave in a concerted effort to undermine eastern shore values by the canadians. They are bitter about their recent losses in men’s curling and women’s ice hockey in the olympics. Since canadians have very little to be proud of (other than molson ale), this was a stunning shock to their fragile psyches. I wouldn’t even mention curling as a sport except that a russian curler was kicked out for using steroids. Nothing elevates a sport to major league status like the athletes using performance-enhancing drugs.I’ll need